Relationships

Below is what I think is a nice overview of my thoughts on what I think makes for successful and happy relationships of any kind but especially romantic.

I am 27 now so I have a lot to learn still but I genuinely just want to be a nice person and maximize the amount of fun and novel experiences I get to live through in this life. Below list I think maximizes that goal in some broad strokes systematic way. I have some other rules I note down too that help me a lot.

At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.

1. Be honest. Be kind. Be empathetic.

Put above in short because I think it summarizes everything well. You have to be honest and communicate everything. A conflict is not you fighting with another person. It's you and her/him fighting to solve the issue/conflict whatever it may be. The hardest part is identifying what the issue is and being honest about it.

More important than being honest is being kind through everything. You should really try to never hurt the person even if you are hurt/depressed yourself. If how you honestly feel about a person will hurt the person, often times it's best not say it and just leave the relationship. Of course explanation is in order if it's a very long term relationship but the truth is that some relationships just don't work out and there is nothing you nor her/him can do about it. It's probably either loss of physical attraction or loss of interest in spending time with the person or both.

2. Don't avoid/ignore conflicts. Communicate everything.

Mentioned above briefly but the goal of relationships in my eyes should be to grow and enjoy life together. That's it. Anything less than that is an issue. And sometimes you can't properly enjoy life due to some recurring issues, arguing or bad moods/looks. Talk it out. Speak your mind and show that it's you and her vs this problem. You want this to work out and you are open to everything unless it crosses your personal boundaries/values. Try and fix any issues that arise at their root.

Truly acknowledge and apologize for mistakes made. Don't be cruel. Treat your partner and everyone with respect.

3. Be open to change but respect your own and your partner's personal boundaries.

Everyone has some personal boundary. For some it could be cheating in whatever form (talking flirtatiously is already cheating to many). With respect to wanting to cheat, always respect your partner and discuss it but be ready to quit the relationship at this point as many are against any kind of polyamory. It's better than doing something potentially hurtful behind someone's back and then being found out on it. The latter is narcissistic behavior. Narcissistic behavior in general is very important to study. Dr. Ramani is amazing resource on it as she has many videos analyzing narcissistic behavior.

4. Don't be narcissistic. Us, not just you.

If you do make a mistake. Genuinely apologize and learn from it so as to not repeat it again. Never be cruel. And always treat your partner with respect. Speaking of narcissistic abuse, this testimony by Johnny Depp portraying alleged abuse of Amber Heard is a good read of how being with a narcissist can be catastrophic to your own self worth. It's best to detect narcissistic behavior early from either side of the relationship. Talk it out and try to fix it and become a better person not just for your partner but for yourself. I personally was narcissistic in many ways in my relationship. For example when I felt sad or depressed, I would ignore my partner and not listen to her because I 'have bigger problems' or I want to show my unhappiness to get comfort. This applied when I had depression (from uni days, hated many of uni courses, being super poor and not believing in myself or my ability to actually earn money in this world), now I don't do this. Don't ignore the feelings and hurt of your partner.

If your partner wants comfort, show it. If your partner wants to talk, talk it out. Show love.

5. Show love.

Should actually be the first point as it is the most important thing in successful and happy relationships I think. Everyone should feel loved. What's the point of a relationship otherwise?

Showing love implies you actually genuinely love the other person. If you don't, just leave. Life is too short for this.

Showing love means trying your best to bring the other person up. Show happiness and gratitude for spending life together. Compliment her/him. Take walks. Go on dates, short and big. My favorite activity with my partner is to simply go for a walk and take a coffee together in some place outside. Discuss the day and your plans. You are a team after all.

I once thought flowers were useless but I learned with time. Flowers as an act of love is amazing in itself but also once you do buy flowers for your partner, you then put them in your home. This improves the atmosphere at home as flowers are lovely but it's also a subtle reminder to your partner that you are loved and cared for.

6. Smell nice. Look after yourself.

As relationship progresses, you can sometimes take your partner and love for granted. The more obvious example of such disregard is stopping putting effort into making yourself look great and looking after yourself in more broad terms. Solution here is not taking your partner for granted. And genuinely trying to be the best version of yourself at no cost of anyone. This applies for men especially but don't be afraid to share how you really feel with your partner. The worst thing you can do is suppressing your emotions out of fear of something. If you are in this position, remember the above, go from the position of love always. Be honest and communicate it all. Be kind and if something doesn't work out, first try to make it work. If nothing works out, move on. No such thing as lost time. There is only time well lived, your lessons, the ever present moment you are in and your thoughts of what the future holds. Nothing else matters as much. Your emotions are transitory. You are just an observer. Even to your own thoughts. It's what you act on that matters. And how it makes you feel.

7. Be interested and fascinated by your partner genuinely. Be happier together.

Direct consequence of being in love with a person is being genuinely fascinated by how your partner thinks and lives. And showing and sharing this fascination.

--

With respect to talking to new people and continuing and maintaining interest in conversation. Asking good questions is key. Being honest and humble in your replies to her/his questions. Be lighthearted and high spirited. You are happy to be here right now and talking about whatever the thing is. I met many people with whom I can really talk about anything and enjoy it. Listening to various podcasts is amazing for practicing asking interesting questions and maintaining conversations.

I also share my thoughts on finding romantic partners. One fun thing to do with your partner is to do a fictional character test and guess who got who for a show.

The grass is greener where you water it. Say and show love to people you love. Sometimes, you have to know when to let go and quit.

Notes

• All Too Well clip/film is a nice overview of narcissistic relationship.
• The best way to make relationships is to do work together. All kinds of relationships, all kinds of work.
• Dr. Ramani is amazing
• At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.
• Whenever you have a crush ask yourself: Do you crush on her specifically or do you just yearn for intimacy? Could any other pretty girl take her place or not? Most of the time, you just tell yourself she is special because you feel like she is available. Stop doing that. Life gets much easier.
• Marriage is not something you "do", it's something you make. One of the foremost requirements going in to a marriage is that both partners understand this. You will marry the right person if you change your axioms.
• Finding the "right" person for marriage is pretty selfish. Be the right person. Try to strive to be the best person you can be and give grace when issues happen. Issues will happen. How you respond to them will result in the outcome of happiness of marriage.
• Lack of effort equals not ready
• My dating advice is not to think about dating too much but instead immerse yourself in the beautiful things in life and stay open.
• Believing in friends rather than snubbing them for not “being on your level” is a generally smart practice.
• I need kindness and thoughtfulness. I communicate it right away. I’m a fairly sensitive guy and don’t feel like that’s a negative quality so I need a partner that’s nice and who lets me know they’re thinking about me. Not like 24/7 texting thing but I just like knowing I’m being considered. From major decisions to small shit like asking me if I want something from the store.
• I need someone who gives the benefit of the doubt and assumes positive intent. Sometimes words or actions can be misinterpreted. Hopefully I have shown my partner that I am a good, caring person. So if something seems out of character, they should check in rather than assuming the worst. I do that in return by saying "Hey, when you said X it made me feel [mad/sad/rejected] because it sounds like [you're mad at me / frustrated / unsupported]. Am I reading that correctly?"
• Патриархат должен умереть, семья это про партнёрство, уважение и решение проблем вместе, как вы их разруливаете это не важно.
• Approaching dating from the perspective of there being many men who want a loving and wonderful relationship has also been helpful. Now that I believe that, I’m finding more men that prove it to be true.
• I don’t really care what you look like or what you do, I care about your kindness and your level of empathy. You can fix someone’s haircut or wardrobe or encourage your partner to go back to school if they want to change career paths, but kindness and expressing empathy, jumping to support your partner in their worst times...that’s something innate. And that’s what I’m looking for.
• I think we always want to be with people we find attractive, but what we find attractive may change or expand.
• Don’t lower your standards. Spend more time with these guys and see if attraction grows. Usually, people who give the advice to lower your standards are those who are more concerned with being in a relationship than finding someone they’re compatible with.
• If you can just sit together doing nothing and still have a good time you know you have the right friend.
• Go on walks with your partner to start the day. Get coffee, talk. Enjoy each other's company. ♥️
• Dating has absolutely changed in the last 25 years, a lot! Dating used to be you had a few options, picked one and made it work. Now the climate is much different with the illusion of infinite choice and lack of investment.
• One of the most useful changes I made to dating was to view early dates as a way to have fun and decide if I liked them, instead of worrying whether they liked me- they were going to feel whatever way they wanted to about me, and if I was being myself and they weren’t into that, I didn’t want them anyway.
• Stop doing the things you do "for them" so much. Put all the effort you put into the chase into yourself. You want to call, call. You want to have a quiet day at home? Turn off your phone. You want to ask a guy out? Do it. Not sure if you're feeling it? Let him make the first move.
• Long distance tends to work better when there is a definite time frame for when you'll get back together. It's a lot easier to deal with the loneliness when you know that "in two years after I get __ done, we can be together".
• Love and relationship are bonds that must be nurtured from both sides throughout life, or they fade away leaving nothing more than friendship.
• Really accept and live with the “she’s just not that into you” vibe. If the woman I’m dating wanted to be with me, she would. I spend less time worrying about how to react. If I want to double text I will, and the right person will be into it. I’m fully myself because it won’t scare off the right person. I’m communicative and ask for what I need. I think it all came down to being more comfortable being alone. I don’t have to change myself to make someone like me because if she doesn’t, I’m fine living my life with my friends.
• Having a romantic and sexual relationship is not a requirement for a happy life. No one wants to be the partner that gives meaning to another person's life, unless they're also codependent in some way. It's emotionally draining to take on that kind of responsibility.
• Match her energy. If you find yourself sending messages into the void, just stop. If they come back piecemeal after a long pause, then slow them down. If she's responding quickly and there's a lot of back and forth, then that's good too. Also, I would suggest you bring your excitement down just a bit. You don't want to seem like an eager beaver on the first date. Calm down a bit, be excited, but don't let your mind wander too much either. The last thing you want to look like is a starving man sitting in front of a buffet.
• Every cheater I've ever known has done it multiple times. I'm sure there are exceptions out there, but yeah.
• Cheating may not end a relationship, but it can speak powerfully to the cheater's ability/desire to handle relationship difficulties in a mature and humane fashion.
• Cheating happens for a few reasons, most being the person wants cake. Some are exit cheaters, where they are too cowardly to break up so they cheat until caught and are relieved because now they aren't the 'bad guy' who had to break it off. Some are seeking validation and have low self esteem so they want the ego boost knowing they are still desired. These people will also beg to reconcile. Some simply turn to others when they can't communicate or express feelings, and want their cake and to eat it too. Perhaps the relationship is in a funk and rather than just not being a selfish POS, they look outside the relationship if the grass is greener. These people will also beg to reconcile because they can't make up their mind. No matter the reason, cheating hurts the other person. And its cowardly and selfish. Not to mention STI's and the trauma from being lied to, gaslit and manipulated. Cheaters lie. Thats what they do.
• Once a cheater, always a cheater. It took me a long time to realize that it's not a situational thing, it's an outlook on life.
• There really needs to be more understanding that some people truly are just busy. Plus a lot of women disable notifications from dating apps because they receive so many messages and likes, so they forget to check in.
• Emotional maturity is empathy and accountability, or how people conduct themselves in a disagreement/confrontation. Everyone's just fine when things are peachy, it's the lows that bring things out. People who are instantly defensive, deflect etc. are insufferable. If you can put yourself in their shoes, actually look within and take responsibility for your part, that's pretty freaking hot.
• Emotional maturity to me is proactively treating people in a way you'd want to be treated and doing the hard thing over the easy thing in life. I think something like ending a relationship or being honest about where you're at [like seeing someone new so you want to focus your energy there] over ghosting someone is doing the hard thing over the easy thing. Approaching people proactively to solve problems in good faith vs avoiding them because you're scared of conflict is the hard thing.
• Be prepared to compromise. If you're used to always getting your way, you have the wrong mindset for a relationship. This applies equally as much to women.
• Do not sweep anything under the rug. If there's an issue address it, and do everything to compromise and resolve it as much as possible.
• She’s not the answer to your problems. I see so many long-term single guys who are desperate to be in a relationship, but they don’t seem to realize that a relationship will more often magnify their problems, rather than eliminate them.
• In so many ways, women are like cats. If you chase women they will run away. Remember that women have a lot of men chasing them and they aren’t just looking for “a guy” they are looking for the one they want.
• Coffee and walk are often the best dates. The focus of the date should just be get together, make sure you didn't misrepresent yourselves, connect a little, become comfortable in one another's company. Something that can be short if needed, but can be extended if things are going well.
• Your narrative will set you up to fail if you don’t remind yourself that a bad experience is just a bad experience. One untrustworthy man is just one untrustworthy man. All men shouldn’t have to pay for the actions of one. You could be missing out on a great person if you don’t allow them a blank slate.
• Emotions are irrational, people act how they want. Sometimes they hurt others (because for whatever reasons they have), sometimes they don’t even know what they’re doing until someone points it out to them.
• I think compassion is the best way to defuse anger. Have lots of compassion towards yourself for feeling hurt and rejected. You went into this hoping to find love but it didn’t work out. That hurts. Also try having some compassion towards your ex to, she also tried to find love with you but it didn’t work. Or maybe have compassion towards her for making mistakes and getting it wrong. It doesn’t mean you have to condone how she behaved. If you can’t manage compassion you could start with feeling sorry for her. Try not to see it in such black and white terms as her being a monster and you being a blameless victim. That won’t help you in the long run.
• 'Match the energy' of people you are dealing with.
• I need a person who can respectfully tell me exactly what they have a problem with and what they want. So then we can have an adult conversation to either fix it or understand we're not compatible.
• Trying to get your needs met without being vulnerable leads to abuse.
• People aren't trying to cultivate a monogamous lifelong relationship—some people stumble into it, but generally on the surface contemporary dating is "let's see what happens" with a lot of underlying anxiety/confusion/ambivalence that ruins things.
• Don't create stories in your mind about him/her without ever knowing if this he/she is worthy of your swooning. Best thing is focus that energy on someone who is going to return the effort.
• Things not working out sometimes is just a crappy part of dating. You just have to pick yourself up and move on.
• Know that no matter how magical things were, you didn’t lose the right person. She isn’t the right person. The right person will stay and want to keep seeing you. The right person will want things to progress. So try to remember that. Sometimes when something doesn’t work out, it can feel like you lost your last chance at love. But you haven’t. She just isn’t the right one.
• What I’ve learned through online dating is after 3-6 dates you start to feel like you really know the person. In reality, you don’t know them. They’re barely an acquaintance. And you can remove each other from your lives with a couple clicks and texts.
• Don't become good at staying in toxic situations.
• Integrity, courage, conviction and resourcefulness seems to be a rare combination but that's all I want in relationship.
• Healthy dating I believe is dating your equal, a relationship of two independent people that form a synergy greater than the sum of its parts. A one-way transfer of resources, emotional or intellectual, isn’t that.
• Getting a playlist from a friend is one of the best gifts ever.
• Deciding when to meet people where they are, and when to leave them where they are is a life skill that I feel defines healthy adulthood.
• I think people in general, not just men, can become more closed off in time. Life is hard and we have all been through break ups and heartache and the worst of dating. We have all had our attempts at romance rejected and criticized. I think we really have to communicate about these things, and work on them with our partners.
• How you treat people is more important than being right
• You deserve a partner that is actively invested in your happiness.
• Be as good a friend as you can be, but within your limits. it isn't selfish to consider your needs, too. the support you can give incurs a cost, and nobody has limitless emotional energy to spend. not being in an abusive relationship doesn't make you a robot, unable to be hurt.
• Mentorship/menteeship is one of the easiest way to learn and network. The people I can access through this always had a huge impact in my life.
• What the world needs more than sympathy and empathy is compassion. Sympathy: I'm sorry you're in pain. Empathy: I feel your pain. Compassion: I'll do whatever I can to alleviate your pain. You don't have to feel other people's feelings. You just have to care about their feelings.
• I have enough and can afford to be taken advantage of, but what if he really needed help and I didn’t give it. That would be a real crime.
• When you’re with a healthy person they bring out the best in you and you have a blast with them everyday. Conflicts do happen but they lead to growth not destruction.
• No matter how nice and friendly you are, some people will dislike you, no matter what you do. Don't waste your time on them.
• Nobody is the villain in their own story. When you experience a breakup, conflict, fall out etc. the other person may admit they did wrong, they may even apologise but they’ll never see themselves as “the bad guy” so accept how it is and move on, don’t become their villain by pushing the point.
• You can't trust everybody. Just because they seem nice it doesn't mean they are worth trusting.
• Successful marriages can end in divorce. It’s ok to say, “this isn’t working” and part ways in tact. We have to detach from the idea that staying together is the only relationship outcome that matters.
• Marry early if it makes sense for your partner to gain any Passport benefits (cheaper education, ability to work/live in a country). Marriages also carry some benefits with taxes depending on the country.
• Always date your spouse.
• Your real unfair advantage in business is your personal network. Education, wealth, and skills all help, but it's "who you know" that will help you make the biggest leaps forward.
• Never compare yourself to what you think the 'norm' is, compare yourself only against your current emotional state. And then you'll know already how fucked up or not something is.
• In toxic relationships, you're forced to choose between honesty and loyalty. You bite your tongue to protect their ego. In healthy relationships, honesty is an expression of loyalty. You speak your mind to help them grow. When you have real trust and respect, candor shows care.
• Each relationship has their own dynamics. As long as both you are happy with whatever you mutually agree, it is none of anyone’s business what you decide.
• The backwards thing about “networking” in your early years is that it feels like you should connect w/ high profile, successful people. In reality, those people are so checked out & won’t be able to do anything for you. Instead, spend your time talking to new, undiscovered folks.
• If it doesn’t feel right, you don’t need an excuse to leave. You don’t need explanations etc.
• First date is for putting your best foot forward. The second date is where you reveal any potential deal breakers.
• Poly person shouldn't lead a monogamous person on. Don't be in a polyamorous relationship if it makes you unhappy. There is plenty of people out there who will happily be in a mono relationship with you.
• Открытые отношения полиамория квир-отношения как бы это не назвалось главное что это не про желание спать со всеми подряд а про стремление выстроить с одним человеком или группой людей доверительную связь которая в идеале может длиться до конца жизни. Это долгий трудный процесс.
• Opening up a relationship for another specific person to be included is widely regarded as a red flag/bad idea in the poly community. It can work out, but it very rarely does, especially if one partner isn't full sold on it. Typically, the more ideal way to open from a monogamous one to a poly one includes a long time of self reflection and growth on both accounts, completely open conversations with one another, and asking and finding the answers to a million different questions... and then continuing to do all of that after you have opened to other relationships. Being poly is as much about being together and it is about being alone, and everyone respecting each other's needs and wants collectively. It's difficult to do if you aren't on board with it.
• Have great self esteem and zero insecurities. Don't be entitled.
• Falling in love with a woman is the easiest damned thing in the world. You’re genetically driven to do this. Liking a woman is a lot harder; you don’t usually have as much in common with her (down to societal/genetic differences) as you do with your boys. I’ve been with the same woman for 2 decades and when asked what the key to success in our relationship is it’s always the same: it’s more important that you like your spouse than that you love them! When you have to spend the vast majority of your time with someone not dancing the horizontal mambo then you’d better make damned sure that you like them and can talk to them.
• Don't take dating advice from women. What women say they want in a man is vastly different from what they react positively to. Get dating advice from men who attract women, and use judgment and trial and error to see what works best. Grain of salt, and all that.
• Inara Serra & Jamie Fraser have nice character traits.
• I like the freedom polyamory gives me. I like meeting new and interesting people in both a platonic and romantic way and I don't want to be told I'm not allowed. I think it also increases trust and attraction in a relationship. Sounds counter-intuitive, but monogamy does not solve the problem of jealousy. People in monogamous relationships still experience jealousy and trust issues. I'm sure you have experienced this. If you are non-monogamous you are less likely to think that your partner is going to leave you for someone else, because why would they need to? They are allowed to sleep with other people without crossing any boundaries or having to break off their relationship with you first. There are different types of enm and at the moment I have one serious partner and only date others casually. I feel so much more comfortable and connected with my partner knowing that we both have the freedom to do what we like.
• Mono people think that polyamory is all about sex. It's typical.
• I think maybe one part of breakups people underestimate is how people in love develop their own sort of language and a rich shared world of characters and motifs. & then when the relationship ends there’s a special loneliness in realizing you’ll never speak that language again.
• People did not tend to develop romantic interest in partners whose attributes matched their a priori ideal preferences.
• In an argument with a loved one, “winning” is often losing. You have to let go of trying to win and instead try to understand. As soon as you stop trying to win, that’s the moment you find win/win.
• Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.

Links

• Generalized One-Night Stands (2019)
• Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication (2019) (HN)
• What's your framework for determining whether a relationship is right for you? (2020)
• Relationship advice from Dan Abramov (2020)
• How to find your ideal partner
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• Paired - 10 minutes a day to a better relationship.
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• The Round (Dating app designed for dating)
• Monet - Draw for Dates/Friends.
• Teleport - Live video dating events.
• Why investors don't fund dating
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• The narcissist's itch that can't be scratched (2021)
• Why do relationships with narcissists feel like a series of unconnected episodes? (2019)
• Dating over 30 Reddit Wiki
• Ask HN: How to Build Empathy? (2021)
• Ask Women over 30 Reddit
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• The 80/80 Marriage - Practical Guide to Marriage in The Modern Age. (Tweet)
• Epic Date Night
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• How important is good conversations? (2021)
• How do you all accept kindness (love)? (2021)
• What are little gestures that can brighten someone's day when dating or in a relationship?
• What's something your partner does that just makes you smile? (2021)
• Recovering from realizing your life with a narcissist was a lie (2021)
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• How big of a red flag is not asking follow up questions? (2021)
• What is intellectual stimulation to you? (2021)
• How to deal with my own red flags (2021)
• Narcissistic Abuse Reddit
• Divorce (2021)
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• The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel
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• A movie for someone grieving after a break up
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• Как находить друзей (во взрослом возрасте)
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• Даша Касьян: свободные отношения — это не для всех (2022)
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• What do you love most about women?
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• What are your deal breakers in dating?
• What are your thoughts on ethical non-monogamy?
• Ask HN: What do you look for in a romantic partner? (2022)
• Ask HN: I'm So Lonely (2022)
• Thoughts on dating
• What’s your unpopular dating opinion? (2022)
• What are the actual differences between a casual relationship and a serious relationship? (2022)
• 36 Questions - How to fall in love with anyone
• Ask HN: How do you find peers in your field who care about their craft? (2022)
• How is dating typically like in your country? (2022)
• Lesson you've learnt from a past relationship to never repeat in your future relationships?
• What dating mistakes do you think women make?
• Допускаете, что у вас может не быть в дальнейшем семьи/детей/партнёра/партнёрши?
• Men who no longer date and are okay with it, why? (2022)
• Joe Rogan - Does Polyamory Work?
• Тред про историю полиамории
• Red Flags Men Should never Ignore (From Bad Signs To The Worst)
• Why am I so scared of Polyamory? (2022)
• More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux (2014)
• Map of Non-Monogamy by Franklin Veaux
• Franklin Veaux's web page
• Movies helpful when going through breakup
• For those who practice ethical non-monogamy, why do you do it? (2022)
• Men, what makes you want to seriously date a girl? (2022)
• Friendships form via shared context, not shared activities (HN)
• Feeld - Dating app for the open–minded to meet like–minded. (Links)
• 6 фильмов о любви в непростое время
• What do you as a man actually want in a woman?
• HN: Advice in helping find a partner
• Scenes from an Open Marriage (2022)
• Мы Расстались. Какими будут отношения через 10 лет: Тиндер, полиамория, одиночество в сети (2022)
• What did you learn from your first serious relationship Gents?
• Divorce Reddit
• A hookup app for the emotionally mature (2022) (HN)
• What was the beginning of your non-monogamous discovery like? (2022)
• What is the most valuable thing you learned after the dissolution of a long-term relationship?
• Quintessential literature for those venturing into ENM (2022)
• Dear Monogamous people, you Do Not have to give Polyamory a try
• What Makes a Good Hinge Partner
• What’s your favorite thing about being non-monogamous and why?
• Tell HN: I interviewed my dad before he died (2022)
• What are the non-egregious "chemistry killers" for you? (2022)
• Diagnosed Narcissist talks about why he has no friends